Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
