Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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