Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
