literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
