I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
