u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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