this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
she told me i tasted like america
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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