Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Randomize
