Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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