come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I look better un-naked...
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize