when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
