she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
