When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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