I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I can text with my tongue
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
