Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
