I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
