Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
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Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking