Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing