need another drink. this is the easiest way
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means