Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
