i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
