What did we do last night that was yellow?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
