Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
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i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
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I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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