I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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