It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm like, not good at living.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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