I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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