Four minutes until I can fart!
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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