I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
