Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
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I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
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That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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