You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I miss vodka workout Fridays
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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