Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
