Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
