last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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