I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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