....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
