Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
