You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Randomize
