i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
