Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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