I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
The Olympian is in my bed
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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