shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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