i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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