i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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