God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
There are leaves in my underwear?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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