hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
40s are totally the cure
These tits shall not be calmed
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
