I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Randomize
