Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
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thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
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You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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