It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Randomize
