i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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