I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
