Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
