I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
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I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
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I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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