The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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