defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I am one with the molecules
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
