I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
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The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
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But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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