An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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