hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
