The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
