God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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