How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
